A particularly tiresome day

We went to the morgue today and saw my dad before releasing him to the funeral home for the arrangements. Bizarrely enough while we drove to the hospital, Crazy Train was being played on the radio which seemed to suit the moment. I don't know how to explain going to see my dad in the morgue. To tell the truth there had been a lot of questions I've been asking myself on how to handle it.

Me personally I wasn't with my dad the moment he died, after being at the hospital for so long and seeing his health deteriorate, I just went home not because I didn't want to see him in that condition, but I was just tired. The day that followed his death, there was just something in my mind that people here might find a bit morbid.

It actually was spurred by some events that happened a few days before he went into the hospital. As I mentioned before, his feet were swollen. It's hard to describe when you make a realization it never really dawns on you suddenly, but just seeing the poor state of his feet really just showed how much in denial I was about the health of my dad. I mean it was sort of showed me how badly his health was and everything was not alright. In some way that day coupled by the fact I wasn't with my father sort of made me want to take a picture of his feet at the morgue.

I know that might sound way out of line, in fact some of you might dislike me for it and I don't blame you. I did discuss this with my family and they seemed alright with it. My mother understood, I was apprehensive in discussing it with my brother because he has a more no bullshit mind, but he didn't have any objections to my actions. There really isn't a real reason for me to take it, I guess it is someway to help me cope, I was hoping to serve as a something to show to a friend who's happily married and with a great son; to help him quit smoking, but through it all I think it was a way to help me cope. I had some difficult feelings about not being right at the hospital when my dad passed away, I considered taking a picture of his face, but he did seem so peaceful it didn't warrent it. My mother discussed how the spirity has left the body and it's just the body now, and I truly felt that.

But it was slight hard, at least something that weighed heavy on my mind, not of whether or I'll actually do it; but just preparing yourself for what comes ahead. In someways I didn't want to do it, and in someways you feel anxious, but when we drove up, waited in the lobby and went down into the morgue it felt like entering another place. I there was just something different about it all, and well I don't know how to explain it. I actually helped out bringing my dad's shelf out onto the machine which is pretty damn messed up considering the last thing you want to do is pull your dad's body out from the morgue's chambers.

My mom talked a bit to him, my brother took it well. It's good because he was out of town when all of this happened. But after the viewing we all felt better. We left and later in the day we made the funeral arrangements. I don't know if anyone else really had the same feeling I had during the funeral planning with the home, but I actually felt my chest tighten up. There was nothing on my mind, but halfway through the discussions, I found a bit of trouble breathing, as if I jogged for a good mile or so. It passed after, but I dunno if it was just stress, nerves or something was actually wrong with me.